Deconstructing a Mission: The Five Dollars I Never Spent
Saving a Generation for Christ—Or Losing Myself?
I’ve had this five dollar bill for twenty years.
A sense of loyalty to my faith and the mission inscribed on it compelled me to retain it indefinitely as a talisman for my eternal dedication.
It was given to me by a mentor at age 18 after it was swapped from a twenty thousand person offering raked in at a stadium filled youth event. Imagine the hype and intention behind each of those bills given in response to the call for American teens to rise up, reject pop culture, and recreate a holy one on their own terms. If it sounds intense and maybe a bit culty, that is because it was. And I was right in the middle of all of it.
The Middle
A week into my adult life, I packed a suitcase and started my journey of moving from Alaska to a small barely notable 454 acre compound set up in East Texas. I had been
considering this transition for a few years, but had confirmed my choice officially the previous summer when I had returned home from a month-long mission trip to Botswana Africa.
Teen Mania Ministries was a combination of large youth events known as Acquire the Fire, mission trip coordination known as Global Expeditions, and a leadership intern year known as the Honor Academy.
The Start
As a young preteen, I had several very powerful experiences at the youth conventions. This is where I learned of the bigger evangelical mission to bring all of my friends, family, and global neighbors into the saving power of knowing Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. In a stadium filled with ten thousand of my peers and the youth pastors that led us, I became deeply and sincerely motivated to become a part of a movement; as they called it.
I exuded dedication. I organized the See You at the Pole meetings at my middle school. I took my Bible to lunch with me so that my friends could see I was “set apart” and be captivated with reasons to join me. I attended all the church services on multiple weekdays and led my own. I followed the teachings of my specific brand of Christianity as if my life depended on it. And I started to glorify sacrifice and service for the kingdom of God as my own personal mission.
My first actual mission trip was at age 15 to the small villages in Alaska where I had moved. My sweet sixteen was a worship service lock-in at my church because I wanted to give God all the glory for my life. And I turned 17 in Africa because the mission was my life.
No one told me this is who I had to be. At least not explicitly. I loved having a purpose compelling every decision I made, a greater meaning for every opportunity I entertained, and a rubric for every friendship or romance I nourished. The ritual of consulting God on every aspect of my life and learning to wait for his will to take place was a perpetual high and low that kept me moving forward.
Practicing the “be still and know I am God” directive was a sacred application of faith for me. I never did anything without a reverent connection to where God was in the narrative. That external focus directing me to seek God’s location at all times also pulled me outside myself. To not be conformed to this world meant in many ways not to be a member of it. And in any given moment, to be in some way suspended from my own humanity.
I didn’t think to notice. To be separate was a fruit proving my faithfulness and sanctification. The cycle of metaphorically dying to myself repeatedly embodied the phrase, “so heavenly minded that you are no earthly good”. It is hard to quantify the number of times I wondered if God would come for a walk with me and take me to heaven like Enoch. But since that did not happen, I began to notice my tethering to this earth would require some participation. So I focused on ways to take all that power obtained from constantly renewing my mind and not being of the world to infuse God into it in some way. I assumed that was God’s highest desire after all; to reach and save my generation for Christ
.
The Almost End
This led me perfectly to the doorsteps of the Honor Academy. The context I could insert here to explain what exactly I encountered at this year-long internship and the ways in which it deeply molded me is really the start to many more stories. Subscribe for those to come.
What I can say in short is that I was sold on deferring my full college scholarship with the promise that my relationship with Jesus would grow exponentially in a place and with people holding the same mission I enlisted in as that twelve year old at the start of the story.
My rose covered glasses made all the red flags just look like flags.
So off I went to save the world.
Back to the Point
What does this have to do with a five dollar bill?
In case the inscription is difficult to make out, it reads, “This is to save a generation for Christ. Romans 12:2”.
If you are familiar with this verse, you know it demands that you not be conformed to this world along with a petition to renew your mind consistently in order to discern what God’s will is.
But it doesn’t really say how to use the buying power of five hundred pennies to save anyone; let alone a generation. The never ending nature of discerning God’s will through a constant state of renewing your mind is a built in fail safe for no direct answers to be obtained. In my circle, God’s will was portrayed as both a mystery to uncover yourself and a checklist to follow by the pulpit leaders who we trusted to have already decoded the mystery. If ever in conflict, it was the Bible interpreted through a black and white lens that would break the tie.
It is curious to me that I didn’t take the money and go buy myself a warm drink. I was a member of my generation after all (millennial in case that detail matters to you) and I felt like I needed saving after returning home to Alaska with no actual direction for my life.
I would never have admitted that then. The having no direction part. I would continue following the highs and lows of seeking in every aspect of my life to the tune of staying in sacrificial places that actively caused me harm. And I would receive accolades for my dedication, faithfulness, and passion to God at every step along the way up until the time I started resisting the interpretation of God’s will as black and white.
I think I held onto the bill because nothing ever felt complete or perfect enough of an opportunity to fulfill the mandate on it. And of course I could not trust myself to discern correctly.
And then twenty years go by.
The Fast Forward
Fifteen of those twenty years looked much like the ones I described above. Perpetual mountain top and valley experiences of following my faith deeply and finding meaning in service and sacrifice.There was the gaining of a psychology degree and a masters in counseling in those years. There was a decade of living within poverty status while giving my day to day energy to holding space for other’s pain and suffering. There were more church leadership roles and volunteering. There was forbidden love and toxic systemic compliance. There were thousands of hours of meditating on how God would have me show up for his greater purpose.
In those years, this slowly deteriorating piece of monetary paper got stuffed into a box with other talismans I wouldn’t allow myself to part with.
The Redemption Arc
The past five years have been spent returning to myself.
All that external focus on the evangelical mission led me to the recognition that the real mission was about me all along. Not in a hedonistic sense. It was about me in an “inside out” rather than “outside in” kind of way. If that doesn’t resonate with you, stick around. I’ll get to explaining that in the future.
For now, the important part is that I shifted my focus from an outward driven rubric to an inner aligned value system that I am grateful to say I worked hard for.
I see now that not spending this money was both the result of there being no sane way to fulfill such a grandiose idea and the compulsion to remind myself to keep pushing away my humanity.
I recently explored the boxes of my past in an effort to purge. Recovering the bill invited the familiar emotional energy it initially held to rush back in. The mandate was back and I wanted to settle it.
The Lesson
Have you heard the term "thought-terminating cliché"? I hadn’t until recently.
Think of any saying used within organizations or relationships that shut down further discussion.
"It is what it is"
"Trust the process"
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it"
"You're overthinking it"
"It's just the way things are done here"
"Stop being so sensitive"
"Don't rock the boat"
Or if you grew up in evangelicalism like me, maybe you would recognize:
“Not all desires are good”
“God’s ways are higher than our ways”
“You should be about God’s will, not your will”
“This too shall pass”
“Count it all Joy”
“Blessed not stressed”
AND THE TOPIC OF THIS STORY…
“DO NOT BE CONFORMED TO THIS WORLD”
AND
“BE TRANSFORMED BY THE RENEWING OF YOUR MIND”
What are we really saying with these phrases? What is really behind them? And why do we not question them further?
I never thought to ask who is benefiting from shutting down my own participation in the discussion. I never thought to ask if I benefitted. Though I think context clues illuminated that compiling meant security, belonging (which is ironic considering how set apart I was from actually connecting with peers), and an eternity safety net from wrathful fire.
The unquestioning created a parroting that reinforced the collective tribalism of internal self abandonment. To step away from the cliche would have been to make precarious my own participation in the community I developed from it. To question would be to become separate in a world of grey.
The process of joining tribe grey is also the start to many more stories. I hope you come back!
Now I ask questions like, is this for my journey, my thriving, my liberation, my flourishing, or my ability to healthily resist hell on earth.
This is the thing to note: systems will often employ cult-like language to create a strong in-group identity and loyalty among members. Getting the terms makes you an insider. But being an insider of a group can come at the cost of knowing yourself.
The Twist
After doing the work to build an intrinsic compass, I realized I get to decide what I do with the money. Instead of stuffing it back into the box, I started with changing the compulsive self abandonment it brought me by putting it in my purse. It stayed there for a few months until one day I was walking into a store. A middle aged woman with a few backpacks got my attention and asked for a few dollars for food. I requested she give me a moment and took the opportunity to break the bill at the cash register. To be honest, I didn’t want to hand this bill directly to her because I left my proselytizing days in the past. I wanted to give her clean bills that didn’t demand anything of her. So that is what I did. Because my compass says love your neighbor as yourself and love doesn’t demand compliance to a self abandoning ideology.
Bonus Mental Health Thoughts
12 Common Though-Terminating Clichés
Here are a few phrases that can directly impact mental health. If you're struggling to care for the well-being of your brain or finding yourself relying on these clichés often, it's worth talking to a professional who can help you develop more sustainable self-talk skills.
"It is what it is."
"So it goes."
"It could be worse."
"Time heals all."
"Someone out there has it worse than you."
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
"It's always darkest before dawn."
"This too shall pass."
"It's all about balance."
"Try to look on the bright side."
"The sun will come out tomorrow."
"Facts over Feelings."